Since last week, I’ve been witnessing a drastic change on myself. I often catch myself nostalgically reflecting on my past and negatively contemplating on my future. I don’t know why. I just can’t seem to understand myself. I’m turning into a monster – and I really have to stop myself.
I’m a self proclaimed grade conscious (GC) student. Ever since high school, I make active efforts to achieve good grades. Having building-high marks makes me happy, and my parents happier. My school life is just like a roller coaster of successes and failures, and I’ve learned to cope with it, at least in the past. After four years of hard work, I managed to graduate with honors. That’s undeniably the happiest moment of my life.
Not so long after, I became a college student, a term people come to equate with stress of late night studying, endless tests and examinations and cramming during recitations. Upon entering, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the same anymore; that I would try hard to abstain from being a GC student. But apparently, I failed. Well, who can’t be GC if all of the persons surrounding you are? And so on my first term, I had good grades, at least according to my “renewed” set of standards.
It only got better when the second semester arrived. I devoted more of my time with books and other school items. I even refuse to join my family on their weekly trips to the malls and other modes of entertainment. At the end of the semester, I obtained good grades, which are a lot higher than the first semester.
And then second year came without waring. I continued to torture myself. I completely eliminated happiness in my system. The meaning of “tired” was totally redefined. I gave 100% on my studies. And now, the verdict has arrived.
Class cards. The rectangular piece of white paper that summarizes a student’s performance in a particular subject. Class card. The result of a whole semester of hardwork and perseverance. Class card. The one thing that students want to contain the numbers “1.00″.
Strictly speaking, I reached my goal. I even exceeded it. I earned more than what I need. I got good grades. So why do I end up unhappy?
The thing is, I have begun to hate 1.25′s (and all the grades lower than it) since the day I became a monster. I’m no longer GC – not anymore – for I’m now a garapal sa grade (GG) student.
I wanted my grades to be perfect and flawless. But sure enough, my grades and I can’t. I feel as though I’ve failed my expectations. My only resort is to feel sorry for myself.
I’ve already reached my climax. I’m a substance waiting to melt and eventually boil. I’m no longer the tough and shining metal that I used to be. Iron has corroded, and nothing more is left but rust.
Nothing. I just want to release my emotions. I won’t be able to cope with what I’m experiencing right now without this blog. Writing this post gave me a tremendous catharsis. And for the first time in weeks, I feel myself breathe.
